Lord Voldemort's Vacation
by Will Solace
Summary: Voldemort decides to go on a vacation and decides to bring the Death Eaters along. Involves a Loony-Voldemort.
1. Chapter 1

Okay. This is my first _real_ story. A few warnings, I write randomly and I have _very very very _strange humor.

Harry Potter obviously belongs to J.K. Rowling.

* * *

One day, out of the blue, Lord Voldemort decided to take a vacation. He told the Death Eaters, "Come on, I haven't taken one since 1962! You've got to give me a break! And besides, I heard that they are giving away a _pretty pink pony_ away to the 800th person there!"

Lucius Malfoy thought worried to himself, "Oh dear! Not another one of the Dark Lord's crazy schemes!"

"I heard that! Stop it, you're making me upset!" Voldemort ran _wailing_ from the room.

For a while, everyone just stood there not moving while trying to come out of shock. Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy both shook their heads in an attempt to destroy the mentally scarring image. It didn't work.

Finally, a few hours later, Voldemort came back to the room with a triumphant smile. Everyone looked at each other nervously. Voldemort only had that look when he had a crazy idea.

"Guess what guys", Voldemort said, "I've booked all of us on a cruise to", he looked down at his travel brochure and looked up again,"Nabakza!"

"What's that?" Bellatrix inquired.

"A wizard prison in near Antarctica" Voldemort calmly replied.

"Do I have to come?" Lucius asked terrified.

"Of course you have to come! I booked these tickets courtesy of a very-expensive travel agency, _Weasley's Travels_ and the tickets are non-refundable!"

"Besides", Voldemort said reading off of the travel brochure, "Come to Nabakza today and see colossal waves, man-eating penguins. BONUS FEATURE, if you are a group of _convicted felon_s, you get your own _room_ completely free! Book your trip today!"

* * *

When Voldemort and the rest of the Death Eaters got to the airport a few weeks later, they were four hours early for their flight to Wellington, New Zealand.

* * *

**Four Hours Later:**

"This is the final call for Weasley Airways Flight 367 from London to Nabakza. All passengers please board at gate A45."

"Where is Wormtail when you need him?" Voldemort said anxiously pacing by the entrance to the gate.

When Wormtail finally showed up, Voldemort said, "Finally! There you are! Come here quick, the plane is leaving in 20 minutes!"

On the plane, Bellatrix asked Wormtail, "What took you so long anyway Wormtail?"

"I saw Harry Potter and his friends point at me and start snickering and when I asked them why they were snickering at me, they only smirked and walked away!"

"Don't worry Wormtail, everything will be all right. He'll be gone soon." Bellatrix replied.

Meanwhile Lucius, who was sitting next to Voldemort, decided to read the colorful paper in the seat pocket in front of him. He read it quickly, rapidly turned pale, and even quicker put the paper back into the seat pocket.

Voldemort asked why but Lucius did not reply. He then decided to read what had made Lucius so scared. He took the paper out of the seat pocket and began to read it. It read:

**Things you must do in case of an emergency:**

Scream and run in circles and hope everything is all right.

Laugh at others screaming and running in circles.

We thank you for following directions in case of an emergency

From,

The _Weasley Brothers_

Voldemort said, "Oh dear", just as the plane landed in Nabakza Airport.

Just as the travel brochure said, there were huge waves, and some penguins that were giving him sinister looks.

However, something that was not on the travel brochure was that the Weasley twins were waiting for them at the airport. They were not alone. Along with them was the Golden Trio and the entire Order of the Phoenix who were all pointing wands at the Death Eaters and their Dark Lord.

Voldemort said, "Where's my pretty pink pony!"

Dumbledore said perplexed, "What pretty pink pony?"

The Weasley twins mouthed to him, "Travel brochure".

Dumbledore nodded, understanding what they meant.

Dumbledore said to Voldemort, "It is in cell B45".

Voldemort said, "Come on everyone!" before somehow dragging the Death Eaters to the cell. The moment that they were all in, the doors closed shut.

Dumbledore said to the Weasley twins, "I am glad that he is in prison but really, did you have to lie about the pony?"

They replied quickly in unison, "It was Hermione's idea!"

Dumbledore turned to Hermione and questioned her, "I can't believe that you told _me_ a lie for the first time ever."

Hermione replied coolly, "Oh I didn't lie about the pony."

Harry asked, "What do you mean, I didn't see any ponies there?"

* * *

Voldemort wailed at that time, "Where is my pony?"

Bellatrix said, "You mean the paper pony taped on the wall over there?"

"YAY!" he replied like a two-year old.

* * *

This is how one of the greatest Dark Wizards of all time was vanquished, by a paper pony.

**THE END!**

* * *

I hoped you liked this story. ~Northern Dynasty. 10:57 p.m. December 31, 2009


	2. Chapter 2

Hello, it's me again! I'm updating this story on Halloween (This has no relation to the chapter theme) and again on New Year's Eve 2011. I do not own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling obviously does.

Two weeks had passed since the Dark Lord Voldemort had been caught and sent to prison. For most people, being in prison will humble them and discharge them kinder and happier. Then again, Voldemort wasn't most people...

Voldemort was currently sitting in his cold, dark cell trying to think of a plan to escape. Unfortunately for him, cell itself wasn't conductive for thinking rational thoughts.

A leaking pipe traveled the length of the cell; a testament to the poor craftsmanship in the construction of the prison four years previous. Every minute or so, a drop of water began its suicidal plunge from the pipe. In Voldemort's opinion, each drop seemed to get louder than the previous. Each drop disrupted his thoughts as well as the peace and quiet in the air.

The "pretty pink pony" was no longer pretty or pink in Voldemort's mind. In the beginning, he wanted to be friends with the noble steed that Hermione had so graciously taped to the wall. He had told it all of his goals, his dreams, and his ambitions. However, the previous day, he gave it a good look and thought that it looked as if it was smirking at him. He had yet to tell it any more of his long and illustrious life and its many tales.

* * *

Suddenly, Voldemort sprung up. "Eureka!" he exclaimed. After two weeks of "careful" planning, he finally had a viable solution to the problem.

The next morning, Voldemort went to the Death Eaters' table at the prison cafeteria. He was starving but dared not eat the "Nabakza Saturday Surprise", courtesy of the Weasley Twins. There was a rumor going on that this was actually a government-sanctioned test and that the Death Eaters were the "lab rats".

After waiting for a few minutes, the rest of the Death Eaters showed up. He immediately began talking in a super-fast high-pitched voice. "Hello everyone! How are you today? Guess what? I've found us the greatest idea to leave this horrid place behind us!"

The next few minutes were spent in a group "huddle" discussing the plan.

Bellatrix then spoke up, "Are you sure this will work? I mean, come on! Your last brilliant idea was the one that brought us here!"

* * *

She then noticed Voldemort's crestfallen expression and quickly added, "However, I think that we might as well give this one a try..."

That afternoon, Hermione was making her way through Nabakza, making sure no one was out of their cells. She was in a good mood. The air was peaceful and serene, and her good mood persisted even as she made her way closer to the Death Eater cells.

She said to herself, "What a good day today is!"

A few minutes went by as she moved even closer to the Death Eater's. Suddenly, she stopped dead in her tracks. "Wait a minute, that shouldn't be!" she thought worried to herself. "Where are the dementors!"

* * *

As she hurriedly made her way around the corner, she saw something that she hoped she would never see again.

There in front of her stood a dementor struggling to remove a bonnet and frilly pink dress. It was wearing a blond wig and was wearing tons of jewelry.

She asked, "What in the world happened to you?"

* * *

The dementor stopped struggling with the dress and turned to face her. "Those pesky Death Eaters promised me that they would give me a makeover if I gave them my keys." It said slightly embarrassed. "You can never trust humans these days!"

Voldemort stood at the entrance to Nabakza, watching as Hermione scrambled all the available dementors to find him. "It's no use" he thought grimly, "a dementor will never listen to anything if it's wearing a dress".

Suddenly, he remembered that he had left his pretty pink pony back in his cell. "I can't leave it to stay in this horrible prison, even if it smirked at me!" he thought worriedly.

* * *

He then proceeded to make an about-face. Against all his instincts and good judgment, he dashed into the prison to rescue his "noble steed".

Hermione was waiting for him at the prison cell.

With a loud "CLANG!", she shut the cast-iron door to his cell.

* * *

"Curse you annoying piece of stupid paper!" he exclaimed irritated.

Three weeks went by as they had done previously.

Voldemort had tried to escape by making "paper-airplane-wings", forgetting that Nabakza was under a spell of perpetual storms. He had tried bribing the dementors to giving him freedom, again forgetting that he had given them painful makeovers.

* * *

This time however, he didn't have a plan at all. The golden opportunity to escape presented it to him just out of the blue...

That afternoon, the dementor in charge of taking him to lunch suddenly realized that it had left its pocket mirror in Bellatrix's cell and rushed back over to it _after_ opening the door to Voldemort's cell.

How did he escape? Simple, he just walked out through the open door...

He _almost_ made it out. As he was about to step onto the waiting helicopter to take him to Cancun for a week of summer fun and relaxation, he heard the clickety-clocks of _hooves_.

He turned and saw his "paper" pretty pink pony walking up to him. It then said, "So you think that _I'm_ annoying? Well then, how about you? Your main goal in life is to open a Rose Perfume Factory in Tärtu, Estonia! You tortured me with twelve days of drabbles of your annoying live! Now it's time for me to torture you!"

The pony then walked over to the unmanned security counter and with a glittery pink hoof, pressed the _big red button_. The floor beneath Voldemort opened up and he was sucked into a vacuum pipe that lead back to his prison cell.

All that Voldemort had time to say was, "I liked him better as a _PAPER_ pony!"

* * *

**(A/N: Tärtu is one of the largest cities in Estonia, a country south of Finland.)**

Motto: Never insult anything, even if it is as insignificant as a pretty-paper-pony.

Finished 10:39 p.m. EDT October 31, 2010.

~Uma of the Moon (formerly Northern Dynasty)


End file.
